Today I feel like punching
someone in the face.
It’s just that kind of day.
Some days I wake up fighting
mad and I don’t know why. Kinda my version of Breaking Bad except more anger,
less action and thankfully no meth.
Clearly not my best self and it humbles me to admit it. Even as I
acknowledge it with these words on a page, my pride screams “no” and I want to
take it all back, dress it up in a pretty package to make it seem more lady
like. More flattering. Less realistic.
As much as I just want to write about
God meeting me on the mountain top, with the sun shining on my face and glory
oozing forth from every moment, I know I’m also suppose to share the dark recesses
and crevices where He finds me living in loneliness and despair—and share of
the sweet things He whispers there in the darkness.
Momma said there’d be days like this, but
honestly I’m thinking I didn’t get a whole lotta direction on what to do with
all 24 hours of them. This too shall
pass and the sun will come out tomorrow, and my personal favorite Tomorrow is
another day are all true, wonderful lovely statements that sustain me on these
days for about 30 seconds. Then I have a full day of struggling through the
muddy waters of just getting through it? Which makes me more angry because I
know how fleeting life is and losing one day even to my self imposed pity party
is just ridiculous.
So what is a girl to do? Having lived these days like a
repeated theme monthly (hormones, anyone?) I have found even here my Jesus is
with me, willing to lead me and guide my stubborn heart if I would but let him.
Here are a few things he has taught me along the way.
Declare a No Decision Zone.
One of my favorite shows when I was little was the Twilight Zone-a dimension
between time and space where nothing seems right and you don’t know what is
happening. Yep. That pretty much sums it up.
On these mornings, my feet hit the ground and I just know I’ve entered
the NDZ. I have to declare this boundary for myself because I know I’m not
operating at best decision-making capacity. My judgment is off. My perception
is slightly irrational. My thinking is combative and feisty. So this day is not
the day to head off to the local tattoo shop with that “living on a prayer”
idea I’ve been pondering. Nor is it the day to nip that relationship issue in
the bud. Or respond to that email I've been putting off. This day I need both boundary and
buffer zone from my own destructive self. Acknowledging I’m not the best
version of myself today is a form of self-control and humility that can save me
from regret. Of course I know this from experience. Making decisions when you
are angry, depressed or irrational rarely turn out great.
Pay attention to your heart murmurings.
These days have turned into super interesting days of introspection, which of
course can be part of the problem. Too much inward analysis can drive this crazy
train, but I’m learning to pay attention to what I’m muttering under my breath.
Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. What I find myself mumbling
about and dwelling on in my mind are keys to understanding what I really
believe about others and myself on these days. More often than not, they are
lies. Journaling is what God has used here to help me see these thoughts for
what they are. Bringing them out into the light. I’ve learned to process with the Holy Spirit through journaling,
praying and then applying God’s truth through His Word. Many of these days have been redeemed because
of this Holy Spirit counseling session. They don’t call Him the Great Counselor
for nothing!
Open up to a trusted friend.
I say trusted friend because today may not be the day to make new friends in
the carpool line (did you read my opening line?!) Or unload on your barista. Or
let us all in on your sorrows via status update. These are the people who have
been proven through the fire. Who can tell something is off in your voice or
just by the look in your eye. Call them. Sometimes the only thing I need to
know on these days is I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way and I’m
not alone. But, (NEWSFLASH) no one can read your mind. Let the trusty friend
in.
Don’t feed the animal. It is
good and humbling to realize just how open I am to suggestion when I’m in a
vulnerable place. For me this means I need the gutter and clutter guards to go
up. It’s best for me to lay low on the social media on these days. News feed is
not my friend. I have to pay closer attention to my song and movie choices as I
ask myself is this helping or hurting me? Feeding the darkness or shedding light
on it?
There ain’t no high like the
Most High (Beth Moore-love her!) Now is the time to be uber aware of the tendency to reach out to anything and everything to fill the deep, cavernousness
hole I feel on these days and equally aware that nothing can satisfy what I am
seeking but God Himself. I need a high. I want to make sure I’m going with the
Most High. The one that doesn’t leave me
with regret and death, but gives life. I’m desperate and He promises to fill
me. Likewise, He has created us with capacity
to enjoy natural highs that are good and right and fulfilling. I’ve learned to tap into these like mad to
cope with my crazy self on these days. Exercise is a must. Laughing until I
cry. Just Dance 4 with your kids will accomplish these both at the same time! Hugs. Naps. Good food. Counting your blessings. Connecting with trusted
friends. All natural God given highs. He knew we’d need them.
After all is said and done,
I’m always amazed when the new day dawns how differently I see things. Makes me
wonder what in the world I was all distraught over. The sun came out. It’s a new
day and I’m feeling good. Sure glad I didn’t punch anyone in the face!
